let Him find us both.
this one’s been a long time coming.
and it is only by the grace of God that i’m here. that we’re here.
that sounds dramatic, i know. yet with every ounce of honesty in my being — in so many ways, the experiences over the past year + some change have felt as dramatic as that reads.
before i say anything else, i want to share a couple thoughts that will anchor what’s to come:
marriage is meant to both expose our wounds AND help heal them.
addiction makes a lot of sense when we begin to dig to the roots of the human heart. [this is not an excuse, it is the truth.]
i love Matt. i love my marriage. we love our marriage. and we hold our story knowing — without a doubt — that it is our Father who sustains, stretches, accompanies, and loves us in + through our stories. marriage is 2 people bringing 2 stories [often very different stories!] together for the rest of their days. and for some reason, many of us think it’s gonna be easy-peasy from the get-go. Matt + i are finding that it is rare that any of us are taught how to become married as we work to bring our stories together. marriage is not for the faint of heart.
just as addiction is real, so too is betrayal trauma. the symptoms are real. the experience of betrayal is real. the sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, and broken trust are all real. the lack of safety in your body is real. the questions you have are real. the dysregulation is real. and what i’m finding is that healing is real, too. it is slow, gradual, non-linear work, but it is available to us all. it takes time, intentionality, patience, energy [oh, so much energy!], and rest. but it is possible, one day at a time. and what’s more? true healing, the kind of healing that stretches far beyond the recesses of our hearts + leads us deeper into His own — is only possible with Him. it’s one thing to do the therapies, attend the groups, + seek the help you need. it’s another to invite Him into all of it, too.
community. friendship. family. find your safe crew of people + be real with them about what’s happening in your marriage + within your individual lives. Matt and i both agree that but for our community here in Texas — friends + family — we likely would have called it quits. i know — that’s an intense thing to say out loud, but that’s the truth. we’ve got to stop hiding ourselves from the help He’s leading us toward — and His help often looks like the people He places in our lives.
it’s true: “i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us…for in this hope we were saved. but hope that is seen is no hope at all. who hopes for what they already have? but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. and he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” romans 8.
our purpose is to share the work God has done + continues to do in our lives, in our marriage + in our family — regardless of our weakness, brokenness, sin, and shame — He continues to burn away our impurities out of unwavering love for us + is transforming us from the inside out: to be witnesses of His love, light, mercy, and glory in this world. with Him, all things are possible.
rock bottom is a firm foundation + He will meet you there.
——————
last year, on July 1, 2025 — i learned that Matt was still watching pornography. that moment of awareness was crushing for a variety of reasons:
i thought our days struggling through Matt’s porn use were behind us. we had still been attending marriage therapy every 6 weeks [and had been since 2019 when i’d first discovered Matt’s pornography use]. i instantaneously had so many questions: “you’ve been lying to me?” “you’ve been lying to our therapist?” “you’ve allowed me to believe i was living in a reality that actually didn’t exist?” the list went on…
it was Callan, our then 6.5-year-old daughter, who found the image on his phone + brought it to me. i look back at this moment and know, despite my Mama Bear mode [which i didn’t actually know i had in me until that day], that that was grace in action — the fact that she came to me: “Mama, i don’t know what this is, but it looks weird.” my heart still breaks as i remember. i imagine Our Lady accompanying her to me - “go to your Mom, she’ll know what to do!”
we were in Minnesota on a family trip for a dear friend’s final vows as she entered the convent. just days before July 1, we walked into Church together. the Sisters set to receive their final vows had a prayer card that guests could take home. as i picked the prayer card up, i read through the names of each Sister. so sweet!!! i thought to myself. i flipped the prayer card over + caught my breath: a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross — bloodied, bruised, dead. i was immediately pissed off - why, for such a sweet occasion, would you want Jesus hanging on the cross as your prayer card?! why not the Visitation or something joyful?! i haphazardly stuck the prayer card, annoyed still, into my bag as we found our seats.
it’s been that prayer card that has carried me through the past year. Jesus — the betrayed — even as He hung bloodied, bruised and battered on the Cross poured love, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness out. Jesus was [is!] no stranger to betrayal. and it is Jesus the Betrayed who has walked with me, comforted me, carried me, and spoken truth into and over me + our marriage. this past year has been the most excruciatingly painful year of my life — when you realize that the entirety of your relationship with your spouse has been built on a lie, there’s a lot of journeying to do to process, discern, and move forward.
———————
when i married Matt in 2017, he was already addicted to pornography. i just didn’t know it. it had consumed the better part of his life.
there were signs. there were indicators. but i trusted, and believed, and hoped, and didn’t know much about addiction at all, to begin with. we got married on August 19, 2017.
i truly wish i could rewind time and hug that version of me. i’ve spent a lot of time with her in my prayer + therapies — i’ve carried a lot of shame for not seeing things for what they were. i’ve carried a lot of guilt for not standing up for myself — for not paying attention to those signs and indicators. i’ve blamed myself for not knowing my own reality.
Jesus has come into those places and shown me that we all do the best we can with what we have from where we are. i’ve handed my carried shame + guilt + blame back to Him, and am living in the freedom of the present — we are here now. i am here now. and God is still at work.
i share this piece of my story because when you’re a betrayed spouse, there are so many questions, so many events, so many experiences we wish we could go back to + ‘do over.’ what i’ve learned is that we can meet our former selves in those events + experiences with Him. it’s been prayer time + EMDR sessions during which Jesus has, for instance, met me at the altar on our wedding day + stood between me + Matt. He promised that He’d never leave me - in sickness or health, in good times or in bad. Jesus has kept that promise. He has seen every part of this story. He has journeyed with me every step of the way. and He continues to offer peace in those places + memories that live in the past that can still, at times, bear lots of pain. God is outside of time + can heal our hearts. the memories may remain, but i’m finding that when i hand Him my heart, He eases the sting, the heaviness, + the heartbreak. Jesus, the Betrayed, knows it all.
———————
there are details, so many details, i could share about the hand of God during this time in our lives. how we drove home — MN to TX just days after discovery — + in a time of prayer, i saw myself as a little sheep. i came upon another little lamb laid out in a field + knew it was Matt. immediately, in my heart, i knew i had 3 options:
pretend i didn’t see the little lamb laid out there + go back to Jesus + carry on with my life,
run to Jesus and let him know that that dumb little lamb was laid out in the field again, OR
i could simply lay down there in the field with that little lamb. i could rest my little lamb head on his little lamb belly, knowing that Jesus would find us both there.
as we drove, i knew that option 3 was my invitation. despite my anger, despite my broken heart, despite all of the years that had come before — Jesus invited me to stay.
i realized, simultaneously, that option 2 was what i’d done every time before this. i wanted to tattle — i wanted Jesus to fix the dumb little lamb. i wanted the dumb little lamb to figure his ‘ish out and get with the program. i wanted the dumb little lamb to stop ruining it for the rest of us. i wanted the dumb little lamb to quit being so difficult. i wanted the dumb little lamb to just freaking follow directions. i wanted the dumb little lamb to stop being so irritating, annoying, and…dumb.
i wanted a lot of things. and i wanted a lot of things on my own timeline. when you feel unsafe, control feels safe.
Jesus invited me to give Him my timeline, my trust, my faith, my fears, my doubts, my anger, my sadness, and my broken heart.
so, i chose to lay down.
it was one of the hardest decisions i think i’ve ever made. i wanted to fight + yell + kick and scream and then…run. i wanted this dumb little lamb to see and feel all of the mess he’d made over the years. i felt bloodied, bruised + battered — a real death of sorts. in my choice to lay down, i chose to lay down so much more: my desire for control. my own timeline and what i thought Jesus should do now. i laid down what i thought my marriage should look like. what it could have looked like. i laid down my anger. my frustration. my pain. my confusion. my doubt. my self-reliance. my questions. my broken heart. and in that decision — i chose, only because of His grace, through pain + tears + damn near hopelessness — to let Him find us both.
———————
on our drive back home, we’d both texted our friends about the status of our marriage, so by the time we got home we were already being cared for. it was as messy as it had ever been. and it was our friends who held us together — their prayers, their fight for our marriage when we were too tired to fight for ourselves or each other…it brings me to tears to think about even now. the community of saints on earth is real. it is rare, but it is real. the Communion of Saints in heaven is also so, so real. our friends both on earth + in heaven have truly fought for us with a strength that i will never forget.
we were made to accompany each other with love in vulnerability, in truth, in the messiness of life. being human is such a courageous endeavor — but many of us are too scared of what it means to be human. so we choose to hide + fend for ourselves + live lives in silos. y’all — there is so much more for all of us.
i want to say this: not everyone in your sphere of influence will be equipped, able, or willing to walk with you in the mess, whatever it is. that’s okay. our stories are raw + vulnerable if we actually allow ourselves to sink into the heart of them. not everyone will want to or be able to go there with you. sometimes your story + who you’re growing into will make people uncomfortable. that’s okay. entrust it all to Him + keep moving forward in charity. find your people, keep them close + let Him take care of the rest — He will! [on His own timeline, may i add, not your own — ask me how i know hahahahahahahaha]
——————
3 weeks later we were in Rome with friends. it was a trip we’d planned to take for the canonizations of St. Pier Giorgio Frassati [the patron of our marriage! i mean, you can’t make this stuff up] + St. Carlo Acutis. the Pope [bless him!] moved the Canonizations, but we chose to keep our trip anyway. a bit disappointed that we wouldn’t get to see Pier, but open to whatever God had waiting for us.
i felt a lot of ways heading to Rome just 3 weeks after our lives exploded again — but most of all, i had an awareness that God was on the move. the timing of the trip couldn’t have made more sense — it was the year of HOPE, after all. Spes non confundit: “Hope does not disappoint.”
the most significant parts of the trip, for me, were two-fold.
first, they’d moved Pier’s body to Rome to be venerated before the Canonizations. it just so happened that we could go see him [!!!]. i anticipated a packed Church, long lines, a long wait, maybe even — not actually getting to see him. there’s no way, i thought to myself.
we walked into the Church of Santa Maria Sopra Minerva in which Pier rested and it was as if time stopped. there couldn’t have been more than 30 people in the whole church. no lines. no wait. Pier’s casket rested right there on the altar and right in front of the tomb of St. Catherine of Siena. Matt + i looked at each other — how could it be that we could literally walk right up to his casket to pray just feet away from this man, a dear friend, who’s prayed for our relationship + marriage all of these years? i cried as i knelt just feet away from his casket, Matt knelt beside me and cried too. i thought we’d missed our chance to see him while we were in Rome. God knew we’d see him all along.
it’s hard to explain an experience like this: where you can feel the presence of God all around you. in your bones. in your body. in your blood. you can feel His love, His provision, His helping hand, in your very being. that was what kneeling with Pier + Matt was like.
that day as we prayed together with Pier, and in our own ways, we promised to remain open to all that would come. we promised to remain open to trust His lead — His way instead of our own.
we promised to receive His timeline. His direction. His light. His love. + His heart.
and now, over a year later, we’re living those promises out one day at a time.
the second most significant part of the trip, for me, was seeing + ‘walking’ up the Scala Sancta - or Holy Steps.
[the Holy Steps are a set of 28 marble steps that were a part of the praetorium of Pontius Pilate in Jerusalem and are traditionally believed to be the stairs which Jesus climbed during His Passion. [Mark 15:16; John 18:28] the stairs were brought to Rome by St. Helena, mother of emperor Constantine + are now covered in wood with a few small glass windows embedded into them to reveal the bloodstains of Jesus.]
i didn’t know that we’d ‘walk’ up the stairs on our knees until we were about to begin.
it wasn’t lost on me the significance of it all. we all have stairs to climb in our lives — whether or not we’re aware of them. or maybe it’s that we’re pretending they don’t exist or doing our best to avoid them altogether. back to that being human is a courageous endeavor thing.
what are your stairs?
i knelt down + looked up, my rosary in my right hand. Matt knelt on my left and we reached for each other. one by one — slowly, painfully — we climbed. one step at a time. it was excruciating which was surprising to me. i didn’t know wooden stairs could hurt that bad.
my mind + heart were pretty quiet, bearing the pain, steadily enduring, knowing that i could look up + know where we were headed, together. one by one, we passed Jesus’ bloodstains encased in glass. blood, sweat + tears, i thought — that is this marriage. and almost as soon as that thought came, His love came too. it was like that experience i mentioned above — as if God reveals His unwavering love inside of you. it’s so much more than a feeling — it is a deep knowledge and understanding that this is all so much bigger than just me, my circumstances, and experiences: it is the life of God lived out in and through me, through our marriage, through us, into the world. the journey. the stairs. the freely laying down of one’s life. the crucifixion. the suffering. the death.
it is a deep understanding that we are all a part of Salvation History and we have an integral part — a personal invitation — to play in our own, unique ways. Jesus did not promise His followers an end to all difficulty + challenge when they began to live life with Him. He promised that He’d go before us, that He’d be with us in and through every single experience in this life. He promised that He’d never leave us to face any of it alone. He promised to provide for all of our needs. He promised to send us His Spirit to guide us, teach us, and lead us H O M E. to the heights! verso l’alto!
as all of this was happening, i looked up + realized that we’d made it halfway up. and the tears came like a broken dam. “the glory of God is man fully alive” [St. Irenaeus] — and in that moment — i was fully alive. in the suffering of all that had been, and all we were still going through, processing + trying desperately to heal. in the love that was us climbing these stairs, together, with Him. in His promises to us and for us. i was fully alive + knew in my bones that being human truly is so, so courageous.
those stairs are so special to me + i pray we’ll go back someday.
they served as a concrete visual reminder to me that we all have stairs to climb. and the invitation is to climb together, with Him at the center of it all. the invitation is to keep our eyes fixed on Him + to trust that He’ll reveal the next step. the invitation, for us, was to continue forward despite the pain, the hurt, + the past.
——————
we are over a year removed from that day back in July 2025. we’re 11 years into our relationship + recently celebrated our 9th year of marriage — it is miraculous that we’ve made it here.
this past weekend, we had an opportunity to spend some time with friends. they’d asked how long we’d been married — we responded: “9, by the grace of God!” to which they responded: “13! and same here!” we are all doing the best we can, by the grace of God.
i think differently about the number of years someone has been married now, too. the number itself doesn’t impress me nearly as much as it once did. i mean, who doesn’t say “awwwwwww!!!” when you hear that a couple has been married for 40 years?
but honestly:
tell me how many of those years you’ve spent learning to be on the same team.
tell me how many have required you to die to yourself, to forgive, to tell the truth, to ask for help, to begin again.
tell me whether those years have moved you closer to one another + closer to God Himself.
because i’m learning that longevity alone isn’t the goal.
holiness is.
the goal isn’t simply to stay married.
it’s to allow God to use marriage to make us more like Him.
——————
we’ve had lots of ups and downs since our trip to Rome last year. a formal disclosure of Matt’s past led by both of our individual therapists. it was the first time i’d heard the breadth + scope + depth of his addiction. that’s a solid way to open a can of worms. [would do it again, it has helped tremendously in our healing process but it is hard to willingly squeeze every last ounce of pus out of our wounds, isn’t it? it is a messy process]
i started working with a therapist trained to address specific trauma like betrayal. Matt started working with a therapist who’s specifically trained in Sexual Addiction [he’s a CSAT]. we’re still working together in marriage counseling. Matt also started attending SA, and i’ve gone to a handful of SAnon meetings. i also had the opportunity [and honestly one of the greatest privileges of my life!] to join a 12-week group coaching program for Betrayed Partners led by Michelle Mays called Braving Hope. i have never met more courageous humans who are processing relational trauma, grief, anger, sadness, and devastation with the ultimate HOPE of healing. i’m now in her Braving Forward group + will continue to attend for as long as i need to. you can find more info on her + her coaching here. she also wrote this book. Matt had the opportunity to join the guys over at the Freedom Group: Nick + Joe have their own stories and are on mission to help men who struggle with addiction to dig deep, heal + grow.
aside from the groups and therapies — the greatest change in our marriage has been simple yet profound:
we cannot love our spouses as intended without knowing God + receiving His love for ourselves first. i am honored — beyond humbled — to have a front row seat to this transformation in my best friend’s life. we are praying together, we are praying over one another, we are praying for one another.
and Our Lady has been leading us in all of it, too.
i think back to Callan finding that image + bringing it to me: it’s as if the words fell into my heart just as i imagine they fell into hers — “go to your Mom, she’ll know what to do.”
i didn’t know then just how much our Mother would continue to lead us toward her Son in the healing + restoration of our marriage.
the Rosary has become a beautiful weapon in our marriage. bead by bead, mystery by mystery, she has drawn us into Her Heart + pointed us back to Jesus over + over again: to His life, His suffering, His promises + His victory.
she has been a Mother to us in + through it all.
we are learning our capacities, we are facing our weaknesses, fears, and the dark places head-on with Him. we are leaning into help, a deeper vulnerability, and Truth. the truth of who God is and what He does in our lives when we say ‘YES’. the truth of our own stories + all of the broken parts. the truth that it is Love that heals. it is Love that holds us together with the hope of what it is still to come.
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there are so many more details in our story that have unraveled as we’ve continued to journey with Him. we’ve been humbled to receive so many of your stories as we’ve shared our own — we’ve been able to hold hope for others, just as others have and continue to hold hope for us. we have been championed not only as individuals but as a married couple by people that have gone to great lengths [and a lot of discomfort!] to speak truth into us at our hardest moments. we are honored to be able to do the same now for others as we continue to share the work that God is still doing in our lives — as individuals and as spouses.
marriage is hard. heck, life is hard.
and we can all just keep pretending that it’s not, or actually step into the gift it is to live fully alive — highs + lows, valleys + peaks — all of it. Matt and i continue to chat about how being human truly is a courageous task. it is making ourselves available not only to the joys in this life, but also to the deepest, most profound suffering: to death.
death of self. death of control. death of my own vision for my marriage + life. death of…the list continues.
and in these deaths, i have met Jesus + His betrayed heart with my own. i have seen the love + light that is born from the type of suffering i’d never ask for, but know has made me stronger, deeper, more loving…more…me, dare i say it.
i’m watching God do the same in Matt’s life in different ways. and it is simply shocking what happens when we say yes to the cross. yes to His way. yes to the suffering. because it is in and through the suffering that we experience LIFE. renewal. restoration. redemption. resurrection.
He is making us new, one day at a time.
there is hope.
there is always hope, with Him.
——————
PS. we’ve compiled a list of resources that’ve helped us + been offered to us in our own journey. we pray they bless you. you are not alone + can find them here.
— SCB.