2026: hineni - “Here I Am”
i’d never heard the word before: hineni.
Hebrew for “Here i am” or “I am here”
and it’s my word for the year.
it was August of last year + Matt, Callan and i were at our Parish’s Carnival. as the 3 of us walked together past the carnival tents - the smell of funnel cakes wafting through the air - i heard my name being called. as i turned, i saw a woman who’d prayed with me a few months earlier at an Encounter School of Ministries event. i smiled as i saw her and walked towards her - honestly in awe that she remembered my name at all. “Jen” read her name tag. i smiled as she looked me in the eye + smiled back.
“you’ve been on my mind and in my prayers + i have a word for you - can i share it?”
what in the world? i thought to myself.
Jen and a small group of others had prayed for me months before for a few things in particular: a complete + total restoration and healing of my body. continued healing + restoration in our marriage. and a deep and unwavering openness to what God desired for me in this life - whatever that might be or look like.
i wondered if her word for me had anything to do with my intentions…
“HINENI” she said. i thought i’d misheard her, and it must have shown on my face. “HINENI,” she repeated. “it’s Hebrew for Here I Am. it’s a covenantal statement - i’m not sure if that resonates or means anything to you, but i knew i had to share it with you.”
the weight of the word sank in. deeply. quickly. i smiled, “yes - it means a lot to me.” i responded. july had already split our world open again.
i thanked Jen for her courage + boldness and was reminded how one of the ways God shows up for me [us!] is in and through the witness, courage, and boldness of others. i looked at Matt as we walked together, away from Jen. tears filled my eyes. what a fitting word to receive, to be invited to sit with + ponder + pray with…
HINENI.
it’s the word Abraham speaks before offering Isaac.
the word Samuel speaks when called in the night.
the word Isaiah speaks when sent.
and long before any of them respond, God reveals Himself to Moses as “I AM.”
the One who is present.
the One who remains.
Hineni is our echo — a response to the One who is already calling.
——
so much was hard about the last half of 2025. the resurfacing of pornography addiction within our marriage in July. wading through the deep, stormy waters of my grief, anger, bitterness, + betrayal trauma. stepping away from Pray. Train. Grow. to care for my heart + for Matt’s heart…
“I AM HERE” - that is our promise to each other in marriage - isn’t it? through highs + lows. in sickness + in health. in the expected + unexpected.
and it is and always has been His promise to us: “I AM HERE.” there are no exceptions. there is nothing shocking to Him. there is nothing that lives outside of His reach.
those words broke me and built me up all at once. they were words that helped me dig my heels into the abundant grace that God continued to offer me to remain present, even amidst the pain.
I AM HERE. HERE I AM. GOD YOU ARE HERE TOO. AND THIS PAIN - YOU WILL TURN TO PURPOSE + TESTIMONY.
——
we’re in the middle of a giant miracle - i said that all last year because i could feel it in my bones. i still can.
y’all - there is no part of you that is too broken. too dark. too hidden for Him. there is ALWAYS hope - it’s who He is.
there is no part of you that is unknown by our Father who is the God of miracles. little and big ones.
fast forward to Thanksgiving week, we found out we were pregnant for the first time since 2019…it had been 6 long years. overjoyed is an understatement. an answered prayer. a miracle.
we told Callan on Thanksgiving day - she opened a little gift from us. in it was wrapped a “BIG SISTER” bracelet + mug. overjoyed. all of us.
we thanked God over + over and over again for the healing He’d brought to top off such a heavy year. for a moment, everything felt whole again.
3 weeks later, at our first scheduled ultrasound to see baby - we found out baby had passed.
“how much can one heart take on?” i asked Matt through tears as we sat in the parking lot of the hospital after our appointment.
our overflowing excitement - gone in a moment. and suddenly, nothing made sense again.
——
HINENI.
and yet - He remains. I AM HERE. HERE I AM.
He sat with me on July 1 as my body literally shook from shock as my reality flipped upside down.
He sat with Matt on that sunny day + received his broken heart, too.
He rode with us from MN to TX and gave us the grace to share deeply, openly, intimately about our path forward + what true healing could look like.
He accompanied us as we began the rigorous journey of healing as individuals + as spouses from addiction + betrayal trauma - Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
He held me when it was hard to hold hope. He gave me Matt to hold hope for both of us when i couldn’t.
He sat [sits!] with us in every therapy session. He cried with us in the depths of our hurt + woundedness. He held us both + walked with us through it all.
He’s still walking with us through it all.
He hugged us when we found out we were pregnant for the first time in years.
He spoke HINENI over us as we sat in the hospital parking lot together in tears.
I AM HERE.
——
sometimes life makes a lot of sense. and sometimes it doesn’t.
but 2025 solidified this for me: the invitation isn’t to understand. the invitation is to TRUST. to HOPE. to remain FAITHFUL. to know that He’s constantly speaking the word HINENI over our lives.
He is here.
He is in it with you - whatever ‘it’ is.
He will mark your pain with purpose if you allow Him to accompany you + show you the way.
He will resurrect what seems impossible to bring back to life - perhaps in ways we don’t expect.
He will redeem all things - perhaps not in ways we understand - but in ways that invite us to receive His very presence.
——
HINENI.
this year - 2026 - i’m speaking that to Him, too: a response of trust. of surrender. of Faith that He is who He says He is.
no matter what.
Here I am, Lord. not because i understand — but because i trust You are here.
-SCB.
——
Healing from Pornography and Betrayal Trauma Resources
For anyone reading through this list, we just want to tell you how humbled we are to share some of the resources that have helped us navigate recovery from Matt’s addiction and Shalini’s betrayal trauma. We pray that these resources, or any others that you come across, will help you encounter Christ’s healing power and His all-consuming and never-ending love for you. We want to encourage you and support you in this journey, knowing that while healing is not linear and the road will be rocky and lined with blood, sweat, and many tears, it is a path that leads to a deeper understanding of yourself and deeper communion with our Savior. We admire your courage in allowing the light to begin to penetrate the darkness of your suffering, and we pray for continued courage along the way as you seek restoration and wholeness.
PODCASTS:
Betrayal Recovery Radio: The Official Podcast of APSATS
Integrity Restored Podcast (the old ones with Matt Fradd)
BOOKS
The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays
Unwanted by Jay Stringer
TINSA by Michael Barta
Going Deeper by Eddie Capparucci
Help Her Heal by Carol Juergensen Sheets and Allan Katz
Facing the Shadow by Patrick Carnes
Be Healed by Bob Schuchts
GROUPS/PROGRAMS:
GENERAL INFO ON PORN ADDICTION: