i met my younger self for coffee…

i met my younger self for coffee and smiled when i saw her invitation to meet come through: she’d be glad to know that though much has changed, my love for coffee hasn’t.

we agreed to meet mid-morning which worked great for both of our schedules. she’d sleep in, roll out of bed and think she had way more time than she actually did to get where she needed to be. i smiled as i waited for her to arrive.

i, on the other hand, woke early to spend time with Him in prayer + at Mass. on this morning of our meeting, i’m particularly overcome with gratitude because of how much He’s changed me from the inside out. tears stream down my face in anticipation for my meeting with my younger self - i can’t wait to tell her that He really is who He says He is. other morning things consisted of getting a workout in + making breakfast for my sweet family - things that will make absolutely no sense to her.

she walks in and sees me. i stand to greet her and there’s a curiosity in her eye - the question: “who do i become?” drifts from her eyes to mine. i smile and pull her in for a hug, she pulls away realizing that i’m a hugger now. So much is different.

she orders a venti skinny vanilla latte and i order a whole milk mocha with 1/2 of the milk chocolate. so much has changed in both the simple + in the complex.

we grab our drinks and find a cozy table in the back corner of the coffee shop. she says nothing and neither do i - we are both content in the silence. some things don’t change.

i begin with words that seem simple to me: “I love you. I am proud of you. I see you. I understand. You are enough.” and with that, the tears begin to fall from her eyes. i suddenly see how tired she is. it’s as if - in those words - she could finally exhale instead of trying to hold everything together and in.

i realize - as her tears form tiny rivers that stream down her face - just how weighty those simple words are to her.

“it hasn’t always been this way,” i think silently to myself. what is easy + simple now to understand, accept, do and receive was once not this way.

she begins to share about the realities of her current life:

she’s told God that He can wait for her to return to Him - partly out of anger + largely out of shame. 

she shows up to class drunk, if she shows up at all. her highest grade is a D and her dream of attending medical school is squashed because of it. 

she’s left an awful relationship of 6 years that’s led her to decide she’ll never be married or have kids. just a dog and a jeep.

this is where i can’t help but smile, big - knowing what’s to come for her. she notices and shifts uncomfortably in her chair. i notice the unease in her. joy bubbles up from within me - “it won’t always be this way,” i gently offer.

with a trusting nod, she continues to share.

she feels lost and alone and simultaneously stuck in a cycle of choices she knows do not serve her.

she desires to be known for who she truly is, but she herself doesn’t even know who that is.

she stops talking quite abruptly as she realizes she’s word vomitted a lot all at once. i smile again because some things really don’t change.

i reach across the table and invite her hand into my own. she looks down, pauses, and slowly reaches for me.

the warmth of her skin against mine is familiar - because she is me. i pause and ponder the breadth and depth and love of God - how He has always loved us and still continues to in every season that comes.

i start to share.

God is waiting to restore, redeem and rebuild your heart, your memories, your hurts, your anger, your confusion and doubt. He will not hurry you, but waits patiently with open arms to welcome you Home. all He wants is you, your heart. and no title or thing you produce could increase or decrease His love for you. when you’re ready, He’ll ask you to forgive yourself, too. and in that forgiveness of self, you will find deep and abiding freedom.

i share with her that instead of medical school, we attended law school. i share that those were 3 of the hardest years of our life, but that she didn’t have to be afraid. that Jesus was there in the Chapel - and He would be her safe place.

i told her about Pray. Train. Grow. and that we own our own business now. we both laugh and cry at the same time. only the hand of God! we both agree that neither of us would do well with an actual boss - the laughter continues.

i tell her about meeting Matt in law school. about how we wrote him a letter sharing the darkness that had been in that previous relationship. about how Matt received the letter, read through it, looked her square in the eyes and spoke these words over her: “I’m not going anywhere.” and how those words have come to fruition and brought so much life and healing in our marriage time and time again over the years, on both accounts.

she chuckles and mentions that the dog and jeep pipe dream really felt like a dream originating from fear, not freedom. i thought that was beautiful self-awareness on her part and told her that the Sacrament of marriage would bring to light many opportunities to heal and be restored.

she smiled and so did i as she squeezed my hand, still in hers.

i share that we have 2 kiddos, one here with us in earth and one sweet saint in Heaven. her face softens as her gaze rests in mine. “kids?” she asks me. “are we a good mom?” 

i pause for a moment and then respond: “we are always learning.” and i see in her and feel in me the tension release as our shoulders drop from our ears to their natural position.

we will always be learning with Him + what a great gift this is.

i share that it is only in Him and with Him that she will truly come to know and love herself. and that to leave the cycle that didn’t serve her, she needed only to take one step forward in Faith. i encourage her to run to the Eucharist where Jesus is wholly present for us and to honestly lay it ALL out for Him.

she catches herself before she completes her eye-roll and i smile again. “He already knows it all,” she says. and i respond, “He absolutely does, but He desires to hear it all straight from you.”

she sighs and says she’ll get to Confession and Mass within the next few days.

i find out later that that’s exactly what she did. and it turns out that that one decision was the beginning of the rest of her life that would become my own.

i feel immense gratitude for her and her journey as i sit across from her. i am grateful for her courage and willingness to be vulnerable and open with me. i am grateful for her receptivity, her curiosity, and her self-awareness. i am grateful for the way she despised the feeling of being stuck - and i’m grateful she didn’t settle in a place she knew she wasn’t created to remain.

i share my gratitude with her and the rolling tears, almost on beat, come again for us both. 

——

thank you, Father, for your faithfulness. thank you for the gift of yourself. thank you for the ways in which you lead and guide and guard and protect always - even when we refuse to face You.

and thank you God, for the journey it’s been. for the ups and downs and in betweens. for the ways in which you have led me to come to know You, so that i may know me, too.

Jesus, i love you. i know you’ll continue to take care of everything.

SCB.